Thursday, February 05, 2009 ❤
I am crying right now... BOYFRIEND finally reply yet the reply jus like a normal friend reply... I no longer feel the love like in the past from her to me... The LOVE had changed...
In the first place I should not accept the LOVE from her at first although that time got 2 boys woo me... I really dunno why my life changed a lot after break up with my very FIRST stead in secondary school life... Everything seem so unsmooth...
I should not give up my first relationship because the first relationship suppose can be FOREVER but jus because I am still not mature and in the end quarrel and break... I am so comfortable with my first love...
After this relationship, all my life started to turn into BLACK... I have been lonely for about 2 years without accepting other people that wan to woo me... For that 2 years.., I cried almost everyday.. Locked myself in my own room to reflect...
My smile from my face started to disappear... And soon become so cold-blooded like nowaday... Last time, I love to laugh a lot with or without reason... I am also very playful kids cannot stop myself from being naughty...
But now, I no longer can laugh with or without reason... Even I laugh I also not laugh with my true feeling out... I become so quiet like a mouse and dun love to move about.. I start not to care other people feeling...
The reason why I dun care other people feeling is because once in secondary 2, I have been cheated by some boys of my love feeling... I admitted that time I was not that very pretty girl... I started to fall in love with a guy... Yet that guy dun love me... And one day the guy and his friend ganged up to play with my feeling..
SMS-ed me said that he wan to stead with me.. I am so foolish that I said yes... And in the next day in school, they said the words that I said to that boy so loudly in school... Making fun of me... Yet I still continue to play with them... I really dunno why I like that... Now think back.. It does hurt so bad that they play with my feeling.. But I am glad that I did not continue to fall in love with that guy.. And now the guy get his punishment from heaven... Is a SERIOUS PUNISHMENT.. NO JOKING...
Why I do not always like to mix around with other guys?? Because in the past, kids always love to play run and hit... And I remember deeply till now.. That guy suddenly kick me at my stomach... And it hurt a lot.. Other friends saw it and did not care... I ran outside the classroom and cried at a really open area place till I feel better... Pretend nothing happen and went back to class again...
I also scared being betray.. It also happen in Secondary school life... I broke up with someone... That time during quarrel, I asked him a question that do he have a little feeling with a girl..?? He got mad and wan to break with me.. And a few day later, he gang up with the girl and her group, scolding me right in front of the class... The girl and him laughed non-stop at the back of the classroom like watching free show...
I feel so upset and jus pretend nothing happen.. As I dun wish to make the things so big.. FROM that day onward, the guy and me no longer are friends... We are jus like stranger and really dunno each other like that.. Even if I have seem him.., the betray feeling is still in my heart deeply being injuried.. It can never been heal...
I really wonder when can all these things stop.. Till now I jus feel that the same matter happen in the other place.. It hurt so badly right in my heart... I really hope that BOYFRIEND can understand that how much hurt that I have experience in the past and now I have become a STRONG girl yet weak inside my heart... I always dun smile because all these unhappiness experience...
When I dun smile, people keep complain that I giving them attitude.. But this is not the main case.. It is jus that I cannot smile so easily like last time.. I am now a fully scar person... The injuries from the past still not fully recover... And the scar continue and continue... And it went deeper and deeper... I mean I have taken a lot of strength and courages from other friends who are quite close to me to support me to make myself to be more STRONGER...
I really dunno who can understand my feeling... Who can really help me to get out of that unhappiness in my Secondary school... Every moment in my secondary school I still remember quite clearly.. And I wish to forget it but it is very difficult... I hope one day my boy can heal me up with her care and love from her.. This is the ONLY MEDINICE..
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠2:50 AM
