Wednesday, September 30, 2009 ❤
Back to blog... I totally down today... Super down... I just broke off with boyfriend... Reason very simple from him, work too stress and slowly the feeling for me is faded, if both of us continued together, there will be more hurt to me...
Today night class I even dun have a single mood... I have been SMS-ing the whole lesson trying and begging him not to leave me... But he still dun wan to accept it.. I have no choice use harsh words to tell him... Because I am hurt... This hurt is not a normal hurt to me... Is more than other hurt that I have in the past... I really put in a lot of efforts... I even try to give in everything... I even changed for better just for him... But in the end, he still leave me like this...
Why do guys can so easily say "BREAK" but not the girls??
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:28 PM
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NO DINNER FOR ME today..
Dun have a single mood to eat... I even dun have a single mood to go for night class too.. I cannot concentrate at all.. My brain is all about Baby... I worrying for him..
WHAT CAN I DO??
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠4:15 PM
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Back to blog... I keep on complaining at here that I missing Baby so so much... But in my mind, I have been thinking too much of things... I dunno which is right and wrong... Thinking about relationship... I dunno...
Thinking of Baby have been unhappy that make me feel so much disappointed about myself... Why I can't be like last time can make him smile easily?? This time I can't do it anymore... I give up... I tired... Have been sms-ing to Baby that if really got one day that he met a perfect girl at the sudden or feel regret to be with me, I really allow him to leave me... Though I feel so much hurt and pain about it but is worth a lot... Because I dun wish my Baby to be unhappy together with me...
I really sux to be someone girlfriend... Because I even dun know how to make myself happy what for make my love one to be happy... I totally a failure...
My relationship always end so early... And never have a long-term... I dunno why... I always wan to have a forever life relationship but I think this wish has become so far from me... Every sentence that Baby talk to me no longer like last time... It feels so cold and hurt to me... I dunno what to do... I only can bear with it in my heart and try not to cry in front of him...
I trying to be strong outside but inside my heart is crying and screaming for help.. I wan to be with you Baby... But I can't be selfish.. I wish you to be happy... I willing to let go if you wish to... I can't hold you any longer...
Bad dreams have been huanting me quite often which is concern about you... I even have not been sleeping quite well... Even when I am alone in room, I cry and cry... I dunno what to do to make you happy again...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠2:32 PM
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30th of Sept... Time really fly so so fast... October coming soon... I have been noticed Baby changed a little.. I wonder what happen.. I have been guessing... But maybe it should be the stress from work..
Baby last time will keep on SMS me or MSN me when he is free a little from work, but now he no longer do it to me... I feel so sad... What can I do?? I only can keep thinking about him and trying not to think about bad things...
Bad things only make me feel like crying and heart broken... Even talk something that I do not think through my brain at all... Haiz..
Today having night class and I dun feel like going... I wish I can go out alone and just wander there at a place alone without anyone accompany or disturb... If I go for night class, I dun think I am able to concentrate... See Baby unhappy, I also will feel unhappy too...
I just really hope that Baby can behave like last time like that... I miss Baby so so much right now...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠12:26 PM
Tuesday, September 29, 2009 ❤
Back to blog.. I feeling super sad and I crying right now... Thinking of how much useless I am... Think this think that, worry this worry that... I feeling crazy each day... I have been giving myself stress from my accounting revision... Why I am so stupid?? Why all the accounting knowledge all gone just in a 2 plus year period.??
What I wan in future..?? This is what I have been asking myself after graduated from Secondary School.. I feel so much ashamed that my answer is DUNNO... I lost my target since I left the school... Life become so much confuse... I am alone walking on the journey alone while other friends one by one left me... I left nothing...
I afraid of making new friends too.. Not because I shy... I just scared of betray and backstabbing... I do not wan to experience it again and again.. Why do people can so much easily pretending in the front and yet at the back backstabbing like nobody business??
I am tired... Really very very tired of living in this world... Can someone please kill me???
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:23 PM
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Back to blog.. I feeling I am a weird person.. I dunno how to explain... Just feeling not a normal human being that it.. I feeling much better in my emotional.. I wonder why I always think of useless thing... I guess I have to keep myself busy when I am at home..
This week I have been trying hard to find jobs online but none of them called... Haiz... Maybe is my education too low... The company dun love to hire a person whose education is like a NOOB... Haiz.. Why do people wan to be like this..?? Why dun give those people who are low education a chance to work?? Is it wan us to sentence to death just like this...??
This world is so UNFAIR.. I hate people who look down on people that education are low..
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠8:03 PM
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29th of Sept... I started to feel hurt in my heart again.. Really dunno what to do... Yesterday I did not sleep well... Very late then able to sleep... Have been thinking about my relationship... Simply dunno who am I anymore and lost my way to future... I dun understand myself... I dunno why I have been changing my attitude...
I feel so much uncomfortable in life right now... I simply feel my body is really so uncomfortable.. Specially my heart... I dunno how to explain... I guess my heart is not healthy... Since the time one of my tube that connect to my heart close up a few seconds... Sometimes I have a little difficult breathing but not very often...
I simply dun feel happy anymore longer.. Life like that I simply cannot walk any longer... I lost my confident and character... I dunno what I am going to do for the future... I lost my target.. Simply back to the life that one day past and just live one day... No longer looking forward for anything else...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠6:37 PM
Monday, September 28, 2009 ❤
28th of Sept... Haiz.. Feeling so little disappointed about myself... Yesterday night I had a very very bad dream... I really hope that it will not be True... I know I dun have confident in myself anymore... I lost all of them dunno since when... I keep on blaming myself why am I so much useless...
Yesterday, I dreamt that I am really a failure girlfriend... My heart is in pain a little... Till now I still blaming myself... I know I can't control Baby's heart, I also can't decide who he love too... I just scared that the dream might just come true one day... I am really scared and worry...
Just now out to Changi Airport to accompany Baby for work... I studied at MacDonald Cafe while Baby went for work.. Studied for 2 hours plus... I did not realise that time really fly so fast...
Then accompanied Baby back to his office there.. And off we took train to Choa Chu Kang for dinner... I feel that Baby a little different.. I hope I not that over sensitive... I everytime tell myself not to think too much... But everytime see Baby not happy, I feel super disappointed about myself... I even keep on think what I have done that make Baby feel unhappy.. I just wan to find out about myself...
Just now Baby said he is not feeling well... Damn I really not a good girlfriend because I dunno how to make Baby feel comfortable.. I feel so disappointed again... I feel that I am useless... I see Baby feel so sick, I feel so heart pain... Yet I do nothing at the side...
Why am I so so a FAILURE person??
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:00 PM
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Back to blog... Feeling super unhappy about myself... I know I can't blame anyone but only me... Letting Baby feel unhappy again and again... I dunno what to do but only can blame myself..
I think I closing the blog which I created for Baby and me.. Because I dun need 2 blogs and Baby do not know what to write in the blog... Baby prefer to read my blog and comment... Haiz...
Anyway, I afraid to be alive everyday... Because I feel that everyday is a suffer for me... I admit I am really weak... My body is old people age.. This is what I feel now... Even sometimes I feel that my heart got problem like that... And I dunno how to explain it...
I think my journey is being fate to be darkness... When there is brightness, there sure will be problems on me and I just cannot be happy... I wish that I can sleep to death.. This is my wish... Because I dun need to suffer in pain or hurt.. Someone please bring me out of this world.. I BEG YOU... Tired of everything...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠12:03 AM
Sunday, September 27, 2009 ❤
27th of Sept.. I not in good mood.. I am crying again... I dunno why I have become like this..?? Why I just can't keep my bloody mouth shut..?? Why I always talk something bad without thinking to people...???
I think I do need to control myself... I shall simply write a diary about my hate so I will not spread to people and hurt their feeling.. I dun love hurting other people feeling because it just make me very disappointed about myself...
I simply have no mood to talk about today... I think I do need to reflect on my own attitude... I really changed a lot from the past till now... Sorry Baby that I have hurt your feeling once again... Sorry I am such a failure girlfriend to you..
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠10:24 PM
Saturday, September 26, 2009 ❤
Back to blog.. Being stayed online the whole day just to wait Baby online to talk to me... But in the end, Baby online on 11 plus and chatted with me for 5 minutes, then went offline to bed... Haiz... Waiting for more than 12 hours but in the end, chatted for not more than 10 minutes... I miss Baby so so much...
Tomorrow I have to get up early to go library to book place for Baby first... Anyway I love Baby a lot a lot... I miss Baby a lot if one day like never meet up... I only can hug that little cute teddy bear when I am missing him...
Short entry for today too... Nothing much to update... Good night people... Hope tomorrow will be a Better and fun day...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:50 PM
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26th of Sept.. I am staying at home the whole day again... And I am alone at home.. Haiz... I so so boring.. No one is talking to me.. I only can do is watch TV and do my homework or revise it..
I also waiting for Baby to online.. I missing him so much again... Tomorrow will be meeting him again at the library... Love it.. Baby need to do his thing while I will be revising my work again...
Today is really very short entry because I have nothing to say about today... A lonely and boring Saturday... Haiz...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠3:27 PM
Friday, September 25, 2009 ❤
25th of Sept.. Really had a great day today... Monring I woke up and went online for job hunting... Look for cost accountant but all need at least a diploma or those related working experience.. Damn... Look down on those without working experience.. Haiz... So only I sent one.. I dun care because it said need at least 1 year of that working experience.. Lolz...
So went out in the evening... My younger brother driving to Woodland... First time set in the car and he was driving... Lolz... I so noob...
Reached Woodland at 6.15pm like that.. So slowly walked to the Woodland station drop-off point there to wait for Baby... Baby was quite early to arrive while I was busy playing game in my handphone..
Together had dinner at Pizza Hut.. Yay... Ordered that promotion with the Curry Chicken pizza... Yummy... And also the spicy drumlets... After dinner, went to Popular to look for O Level accounting textbook... Damn.. The accounting textbook not as thick as the textbook the year I studied.. I super regret that I gave my accounting textbook away and also threw all my notes away... Argh... Hate myself so much...
Trained to Jurong East station for Popular... Looked for O Level Accounting textbook and also the Ten Year series... Bought both of them... The textbook really super expensive... Cost about $30 plus... Heart pain.. Why do the accounting textbook need so much of money..?? Haiz...
Then Baby sent me home... Had fun with Baby... Long time did not really hold his hands... Off the bus, Baby then surprised me with a little cute teddy bear... He put it right beside my face so near.. I was shock with the voice from the teddy bear... Hahaz... Thank you for the teddy bear.. I love it a lot...
Anyway, Baby is down with flu... Hope Baby can faster recover... I Love You a lot lot...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:55 PM
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25th of Sept... Is already 1.23am.. And my eyes really closing soon... Hahaz... Sleeping real soon after I update my blog.. Have not been going to my Chinese blog to update because I am really lazy...
Later afternoon time like that, I will start looking for job... I cannot be lazy and keep staying at home already... I think I have rest enough.. Haiz... Looking for job just make me sianz to the MAX... Because the job I love to work unable to get in and I always work those jobs that not really suitable me yet have to force myself to make it suitable... Haiz...
Baby getting flu... Maybe he MC from work or maybe not.. Shall see how tomorrow... And unconfirm with me that he is meeting me or not... Hope that he can recover soon... Dun be like me down from flu for more than 10 days then recover... Lolz.. I super weak...
Time for sleep now... Good night people...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠1:27 AM
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 ❤
23th of Sept.. When I am alone, a lot of things appeared in my brain... Think back everything... Guess is the time to let go the past and everything... I not regarding about love but I talking about friendship... That mean I going to forget some of the people who are once my friends before and never wan to contact with them anymore...
Glad that Boyfriend is back to me again... But I dunno why I still feeling a little sad and scared... This Friday meeting Baby... I still really kinda of nervous because I dunno what should I do... Just that keep on worry I will give him worry...
Heard that Baby is getting sick soon... Hope that he can take care of himself and dun fall sick... I wan Baby to be healthy... And also BE HAPPY again...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:59 PM
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Blogging time now... Finally had finished watching the whole show and my next target is finding the part 1 of the show.. I watched that show once before but now I forget the storyline already... Now I think I will just buy the DVD or VCD to watch the show...
Really kinda of missing boyfriend.. Haiz... I wish we can be like last time... I really hope I can hug you but I still really kinda of scared you...
Haiz... Time really pass so fast again... And I going out soon to my Night class... I just feel a little sianz because I hate to see someone in my class.. I dunno that that person really study my class or I just see wrongly... But see that person, I just really hate that person to the MAX... Hurt my feeling and trust toward that person... Haiz...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠4:56 PM
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Back to blog... I still watching 溏心風暴之家好月圓... Really a nice show.. I cried a little too because felt so touched.. I have all the videos in my harddrive and no need to go online to watch... I hope to watch more Cantonese show to improve my Cantonese..
Glad that boyfriend still care for me.. Telling me to sleep early at Facebook... But why boyfriend dun wan to online in MSN instead?? I miss you a lot a lot...
I never sleep early today.. Because I am into that show now... So I wish to faster watch finish... Still left a few eps to ending... I might be sleeping after 2am.. And today is gonna another day... I going night class again later... Sianz.. Not in a full mood to concentrate on lesson yet.. Haiz.. But I will try... I dunno how...
Anyway I will stop here... I going to continue to watch the show.. Good night people...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠1:19 AM
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 ❤
BOYFRIEND I MISS YOU so much so much... Do you understand??
I have been trying to make myself busy the whole day today... I have keep on revision on my work while watching the videos.. I still do not have the mood to find job or talk to other people... To all my friends who actually saw my Facebook message, thank for all the concern but please dun ask me what really happen about me anymore...
Because everytime I talk once, I will cry once... People will not know I cry behind the screen.. The hurt in my heart make me cry... I dun wish to cry but I just cannot control..
I had stopped making boyfriend's birthday present for a few days ago... I wish to continue on but simply I dun have the mood yet... Maybe when the day that boyfriend come back to me, then I will feel happy again...
SORRY I did not mean to hurt boyfriend in my tone of talking right now and also did not reply anything to him... Because the hurt in my heart made me to do it.. I LOVE YOU a lot.. Waiting for you...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠10:33 PM
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22th of Sept... Another day... Not feeling damn well in my stomach area... I just dun feel it too right... Today I eaten breakfast and lunch I dun feel like eating anything though I am hungry... Jus simply looking at those food right in front of me, I dun have any mood to eat..
I am alone at home and crying right in my room... I try to watch videos alone and doing my homework just not to think about boyfriend... But I CAN'T... Because I keep on worry about boyfriend...
Tell me when is the time you wan to get back to me.. I really hate the hurt in my heart right now.. I dun wan my heart to bleed... I need you Do you know??
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠1:50 PM
Monday, September 21, 2009 ❤
I MISS YOU~
I MISS YOU~
I MISS YOU~
How many times I wan to say..?? But this sentence keep on repeating in my heart non-stop... I really dunno you understand... I do really miss you badly... I wan to hug you tightly and never let go... I regret just now never hug you..
I am happy to see that the counter for Malaysia internet user had increased again... I wonder is that you... Why you dun wan to online in MSN..?? Do you know I MISS YOU~??
I still trying to find things to occupy myself to keep myself busy so I will not able to think of you for this period... I did not mean to give you stress.. I wan to let you know I MISS YOU SO MUCH BADLY... Haiz..
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:19 PM
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21th of Sept... Yesterday I did cried... Saddness mood made me super tired and I am able to get into my sleep... Today morning went to Woodland to meet boyfriend to pass him the thumbdrive... He was late as usual and I was early... I did not eat my breakfast and rush out just to meet him only...
I really dun dare to wear the ring on my finger yet that why I wear it on my neck instead.. When a ring is wore on my neck, this mean to other that I still love this person a lot and I hope that we can get back together again... Though me and my boyfriend did not break at all but not contacting each other is really a torture to me... I will feel super lonely in this period without anyone talking to me...
But anyway, thank to boyfriend willing to send me back home... Sorry that I am in a rude tone when talking to boyfriend because my heart is in hurt and I am wearing those spikes to prevent I get hurt again... I really do not mean it... I did not really talk to him during the journey and never dare to touch him at all... Because I very very scared..
I still love him a lot a lot.. I wish to hug him tightly because I very very scared and worry that he might leave me... This is what I have been scared of...
But after seeing him, I sms-ed to him to tell him how I feel everything.. I finally tried not to being sad after received his SMS... This SMS does help me a lot.. At least I still know that boyfriend still love me and he does really need a rest without me...
From today onward, I will try to make myself busy and not to think about him till the time he get back to me.. I also must thank all the friends who really had MSN-ed me and concerned about me... This period I might still feel a bit hurt but I willing to try..
I even think of drinking up alcohol but in the end, I did not buy and drink because I know that boyfriend dun really love me to drink alcohol... That why I now seldom drink.. I reduce on my drinking... I also did promise to my boyfriend... I hope I can do it just for him... I dun wan to let him feel disappointed about me... I wan him to be happy...
To BOYFRIEND: Baby I love you a lot... Please dun take your break so long because I MISS YOU A LOT... The longer break the longer hurt I will have... I will wait for you...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠8:44 PM
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Is midnight once again... I hate the night because I just unable to sleep again... Talked to some friends through MSN.. Thank for giving me advices and tell me what to do..
I really being so super regret of being straight forward.. I promise I will not behave this again.. I just wish boyfriend can faster get back to me... Because I just simply need your love only.. I am a lonely person with not much friends hanging with me around..
Thinking of boyfriend not talking to me.. The scary feeling come to me.. I have said that I hate to be alone.. I crying right now.. I AM REALLY SORRY.. I promise I will change...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠12:47 AM
Sunday, September 20, 2009 ❤
This is my 5th entry... Can I still call you Baby..?? I am sorry... I know you might appear in at my blog.. Because I every single minutes will check my country counter... I know there are no Malaysia internet user but only you... I wonder is it you view my blog.. I really hope is you...
I know my every entry you read and you will feel the stress but every single words I type here is really come out through the pain in my heart right now... I really dunno how to express out... If I never express out, I will rather go and hurt myself..
Do you know I miss you?? And actually now I really afraid to see you because I really dunno how to face you anymore... I feel so not worth to be a human being to you... I dunno... I hate to say this but I have to say... If you really wan to go, Please tell me and I will willing to let you go because I can't be selfish to love someone who might maybe dun love me.. I mean if you really wan... I have no right to keep you at my side too..
I know this might be hurt a lot... But I really dunno what to do is right right now... So the decision is YOUR.. I just follow you...
Actaully, I already started to make your birthday present... I dunno this present can really in your hand one day... I really hope you can faster be like last time... I do love you a lot... If really one day "Break off", IF ONLY, the BBQ pit that I booked, I will still give you the receipt... Party still going on without me... But I hope really hope I dun wan to break off with you...
I really wish to spend my whole entire life with you and I dun wish to have another guy again... I wan to be YOUR only...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:36 PM
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Now is the 4th post of the day... I still feeling down... Whole day no mood to do any single things.. Had breakfast plus lunch at about 3 plus... And had my dinner at 8 plus... Did not really finish my whole meal only manage to eat half the meal... Guess tomorrow is another day, I wonder I still able to eat... Really had no idea... I no longer feel like eating...
Anyway, I wonder how many people really saw my blog... Or really do passed by and read my blog..?? I need people advices right now.. I am totally LOST..
Thank to someone keep on concern about me only today the whole day... But I really dun deserve to be care of... Please hack care me before I might bite you.. I am sorry that those words that you say just now, I totally have no mood to answer.. That why I remain silence...
Tomorrow I going out for a while... I wish to go some place that is quiet alone... But I still dunno where... Singapore really a small country which is very difficult to find a quiet and peace place... Haiz.. Everywhere seem so much crowded and noisy.. I am tired...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠10:06 PM
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I am bored to death... Just finish doing some questions in my homework while blasting my songs in my ear through the earpiece... I did not move anywhere from the spot where I am sitting since morning till now... My brain is really in mess right now.. I really cannot concentrate on the things I am doing... EVERYTHING...
I dunno what to do... I confuse.. I waiting for Baby YM to contact me back again.. Because he need time... I know I really a bad girl.. I really dunno why.. I trying to change myself to the better... I dun wish to be a bad girl... I know sometime I do behave like gangster but this attitude I totally dun love it at all..
Am I be blame that I have been giving you stress too?? I do feel that I also the main reason.. I dunno what really wrong on me.. But I know I always give you stress and trouble.. Why I just cannot be a good girl..?? Why I must always be like this..??
I wish to see you soon... Because I might not have patience on waiting... And it does hurt me in my heart one day waiting day after another... Totally no life... And my heart keep on bleeding... I might unable to sleep day after day till Baby YM is ready...
This really not I wish to have in my life.. But why is this keep on happening to me.. It seem like is fate... Can I really change my fate..?? I dun wan this type of life..
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠2:35 PM
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Back in blogging... Feeling so super down now since yesterday... Feel like crying now... Can anyone can send me more screaming and shouting songs..?? I need them... Because so that those songs can made my unhappiness away...
I have not being eating or drinking anything since morning till now.. And I dun feel any hungry and thristy too... Why is this happening to me..?? Am I going to have another diet soon..?? Feel like is time..
Why everything must work so hard then will get the result of happiness...?? I am really tired of it... Nothing can really take things for granted... Can I have a shortcut?? Can I be lazy for a while..??
I just can't continue to blog... My tears is dropping in anytime... I will stop right here... Maybe shall blog more...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠1:16 PM
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20th of Sept... I already awake at this time.. Really seldom awake in this timing unless there is something happen to me... I really dunno what to say... I felt so sudden lost in my life again... I can't sleep for the whole night quite well... I only manage to sleep for a few hours... I wonder this period when I am able to sleep well again...
Maybe I might not able to sleep one day.. I did that once before but is not really important to me now... That time I really feel my time is ending soon and also I felt super down to the max and yet no one care about me...
I feel so lonely and empty right now... I really dunno what to do... I have no mood to do anything else... Can I simply pray to gods to take my life away and let those who deserve to live and continue their lifes..?? Please dun take theirs.. Take mine instead.. I feel that I am a failure person in this world...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠6:45 AM
Saturday, September 19, 2009 ❤
19th of September... Back to blog.. Today totally a upside down day... Hope in future will not have anymore... I totally hate this day... I even hate to behave this way too for today and in future I dun wish to behave like this anymore...
Today went out with Baby as usual movie date... Nothing special but really look foward for it because it is the only once a week that I can spend the whole day with Baby... Dressed the style that I dun dress usually... And outside rain damn heavily.. So I also did not care much about rain and just put on the jacket to cover my body from rain...
Met Baby at Jurong East station and trained to Somerset... On the way, I already felt the difference from Baby... I felt a little weird and did not ask further from Baby... I just hope Baby will tell me automatic... Because I dun really love people, who are close to me, to hide things from me.. I am the person who also willing to be their listening ears...
Bought the movie ticket, Pheobia 2... And off to Taka for lunch.. Suppose plan to eat Pizza Hut but in the end, ate the Japanese Fast Food... Haiz... I craving for Pizza Hut so badly... What a wasted that there is NO Pizza Hut in the Somerset and Orchard area...
Walked to Far East Plaza and other shopping mall to window shopping.. I cannot waste money too because I am still jobless... Damn sianz...
At about 3 plus, walked back to Cine for the movie... After the movie, I felt the sudden of anger in my body... I just can't control myself and talked in very nice tone to Baby... Because Baby behaving different which I dun feel right at all...
Went down to Level 1 and stopped at the area where there is not much people passing by... I know I might not that polite but I try hard to be talk in nice tone... Because I cannot take it anymore... I questioned Baby quite fierce like the policeman... I knew that Baby might not love to see me behaving this way...But this is the only choice that I might wan to know the truth what really happen...
Baby and I decided to go home... At first, I wan to send Baby to Woodland but in the end, Baby sent me home... In the journey back to Jurong East., I kept on asked Baby what really happen.. And he said it concern to me... I was really worry and curious too... Because I know I am the person who always cause trouble without fail...
I even worry Baby might stop loving me too... I also know that I am a very over sensitive person... And I really dun wish to be one, therefore, I kept on changing this attitude...
I cried in train because I felt so much disappointed about myself and also being a useless girlfriend that I really cannot make Baby happy from his sad and depress... I even feel like KILLING myself at the spot... I deserve to be death... I not worth for the living... I blame myself everything... I such a failure and never being success before in my life... NEVER!!
Anyway, thank for Baby a little of concern... I even being a little harsh that I push Baby away from me... Because I hate him hiding problems from me... I HATE IT!! In the lift of my house., I can feel the saddness from Baby... Sorry Baby I dunno what to do... But I feel that Baby is going to cry in anytime... Because the tone that he speak really quite unstable... That time I really feel like giving a hug to him... But I did not... I so damn useless.. DAMN!!
I HATE MYSELF SO SO MUCH!! But I also did tried to explain to Baby through SMS... I might try not to SMS Baby too much for this period because I wan Baby to rest more without me... If Baby need me, PLEASE SMS ME.. Because I am always waiting for you... I will always beside you when you feeling down too...
I am really sorry about today that I let you see the different side of me... I super damn rude.. My anger is gonna toward the limit... And this side will not easily appear in my life before unless is something that I really concern a lot...
BABY I LOVE YOU~!!
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:43 PM
Friday, September 18, 2009 ❤
18th of Sept... OMG... And time check is 1.12am.. So fast I going to bed soon after I have type finish this entry... I miss Baby.. I miss Baby's hug and kiss.. Hahaz.. I Love Baby so much that I dun get sick of it... That is a perfect relationship...
10 days already, I still down with flu... This virus is damn strong... I never experience have such long period down with flu or cough... I guess my body is damn weak after my first working.. I regret of working long long hour and never take good care of my body...
Baby thank for all the care and concern... Baby heard that I not feeling well, Baby will nag like my parents, worry this and that... Hahaz.. Super cute... Never have a boyfriend do this before to me.. I must feel so lucky to have this Baby... Wee~~
Damn accounting really put me down due to my ENGLISH sux.. Lolz... I simply love accounting a lot a lot... But I have problem understanding the questions... How can I buck up my this damn English..?? I simply hate English to the max... Lolz... Haiz... Time for SLEEP.. Or else Baby saw my post time might nag at me... Hahaz... I LOVE YOU BABY!!
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠1:15 AM
Wednesday, September 16, 2009 ❤
16th of Sept... Yippe~!! I am back just to blog... Wahahaz... Today really damn boring day.. Because morning and afternoon staying at home... Did a little of the homework.. Tomorrow more homework to be done as last week lesson I absent... No relax time... Hahaz...
So 8 days already, my this flu still not yet recover... Though my throat still a little coughing but is not like last week, sometime I lost my voice.. So do my flu, better a bit too... No more heavy running nose... But still feeling the jam in my nose and mouth tunnel there... Damn.. I hate those feeling...
I preparing looking for job real soon... Wee!! Looking forward once I get recover... Hahaz.. Cannot be like this go for job interview... Or else virus spreading... Lolz... Damn rude.. Sorry Baby that I being jobless for a few weeks... Baby also sometime keep giving me hope that I can do it in finding the office job... But sometime I still feel useless because no one wish to hire a O level education person and if hire, also kena bully damn badly wan... This is CONFIRM... Haiz...
Maybe if really cannot find a office job, I will go for the sale assistant job... Not a bad idea job too... Is more relaxing and able for me to walk around the shop freely.. Hahaz... Though I know the working time is LONG LONG and tiring...
Anyway, tomorrow is another day... Having night class again... I absorbing information too... Wee~ Kinda of forget what I learnt in Secondary School and now I must work double hard to get back all the knowledge... Haiz...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:59 PM
Tuesday, September 15, 2009 ❤
15th of Sept.. Is already halfway through the month of September.. Sianz... Life is getting so boring each day... I dunno why do I feel this way... I dun feel the challenage for the life anymore... Maybe I know how each day problem...
Simply getting so much lazy of being at home... I really dun have a single mood to do my revision... I dunno why... I wan to sign out for exam but I can't because I still waiting for the UK sending me the packages... Why must I wait up for 3 months to receive..?? I wan to sign up for my exam badly... I dun wan keep on postpone my exam... Sianz..
Today went out with Baby after his work.. Took train to Lot 1 for dinner... And usual case, we shopped around the mall... Hahaz.. Baby looked super tired... And I tried hard to make him feel awake... But fail... Haiz...
Bought Blackforest Yogurt to eat.. Wahaha... I fed Baby to eat because only got one spoon... Baby ate like a small Baby.. Hahaz.. He so cute to me only... We went to Level 1 there outside the shopping mall to eat...
After eating, Baby then sent me home... Entertained Baby but Baby no mood to be happy... But I dun really care still continue to disturb.. I so thick skin...
Tomorrow is another day... Whole morning and afternoon I will be staying at home and in the night, I have to go to Somerset for my class... Sianz... I a little regret to take up this class... I think I should take up the course at Jurong East there better... Jus dunno why..
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:48 PM
Monday, September 14, 2009 ❤
Helloz back again... Now chatting with Baby using MSN.. Hahaz.. Baby look super cute... BULLDOG~ Oppz.. Wahahaz... Baby had finally sent me the neoprint that we took yesterday... Our very first neoprint.. Hahaz... Overall, neoprint look not bad.. Super nice.. Perfect couple makes the perfect photo.. Yup..
Simply in love with all these neoprints... Just can't get my eyes off from the neoprint.. Hahaz.. Everyday will take out and have a look with fail.. Wee~ More neoprints with Baby in future..
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:38 PM
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Back to blog again... I simply feeling so uncomfortable in my body today.. My body temperature is normal but my whole body is feeling the feeling the way of already gotten fever.. I really dunno is this a good thing or a bad thing.. I feel sick but I dun have fever at all...
I keep on sweating and feeling hot also no use at all.. I still feel the same way.. I never let my parents know about it... I shall see how tomorrow...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠9:54 PM
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14th of Sept... I staying at home right now.. Suppose today wan to find job but I can't because I still feeling unwell... I am having flu for a week... Break my record.. I did not have that in my life... My throat still not fully recover as usual... I guess I might recover soon for a few days later because those heaty things is coming out bit by bit from my flu... Lolz...
Today I being so lazy again... Online the whole day doing nothing... I installed my printer manually from online because I lost the cd for install... Sianz.. Finding that data need lot of time... Spending about 2 hours then finished install that printer...
Now thinking of what to give present to give to Baby for his birthday... I wish to make him surprise... Now I still planning... Guess from the time I do till that time, should not be too rush for me... Hahaz.. Gonna give Baby a Birthday Surprise soon... I Love it...
Tomorrow meeting Baby after his work for dinner... And also Baby is passing me the Mircosoft program folders... I dun have the installation CDs... Guess in future I will buy one once I got a job.. Missing Baby so so much...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠7:10 PM
Sunday, September 13, 2009 ❤
13th of Sept.. Today really quite a great day with Baby... Really kinda of missing Baby right now... How I wish time can slow down so I can have more time with my Baby...
Today met Baby at my house downstair because Baby passing me a present that he made.. Really felt so happy and touched that he actually go and learn how to make the star... Gosh.. Not many guys will able to do that unless those guy that really love their girls will make those things...
Next, went to Level 2 for neoprint.. This was our first time taking neoprint together... Hahaz.. Our poses in each neoprint looked the same... Guess we still dunno how to pose yet.. Need more practise..
Waited for the time of the movie at Level 5... Chit chatting and taking a few photos... Then 5 plus, went up to level 9 for our movie... I dun feel the movie was a HORROR movie.. I totally forgotten that I am watching a HORROR movie... I was busily just hugging Baby and also dun really have the mood to watch the whole movie... Because this movie part was totally mess up... Present, Back to the past, Present again and back to the past again... OMG.. So confuse... This movie is called BLOOD TIES...
After the movie, walked to Taka with Baby for dinner... Saw nothing to eat so we just bought some snacks to eat at the Basement... Then Baby sent me home... Guess I am damn noisy to Baby... I just dunno why I have been behaving this way... I hate it.. I guess I should control myself...
Man.. This few days I think I have been behaving over sensitive again.. I guess I need to try not to think too much... O man.. Please someone help me... I dun wan to be over sensitive... I really scared that one day Baby might stop loving me.. I scared that one day Baby might get feel disturb about me...
I know myself I have too much of bad points and weakness too.. I am not the perfect girl that you wish to have... I do hope that Baby can dun stop loving me and this is my wish for everyday till forever...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:27 PM
Saturday, September 12, 2009 ❤
12th of Sept.. Tomorrow meeting Baby.. Wee~ Looking forward because can hug Baby... Today stay at home and played Sim 3... But also keep lagging and cannot really play smoothly... Very sianz... Guess my this laptop is not suitable to play Sim 3... Haiz...
Damn great is that I still having flu... And these few days I have been eating medinice and the medinice made my skin so dry... Skin peeling off on the surrounding of my nose... OMG.. And there is some more pimples on my face too... And also skin peeling off from my lip too.. That mean my body is over heaty... Maybe... I feel so uncomfortable to see this...
Today the whole day waiting Baby to online... I miss Baby so much... 2nd month already past and now I thinking of what to give Baby for the 3rd month present... Hahaz.. I must be creative... I will not say what I am going to give until the actual day then I will show it on the blog... Hahaz... I know Baby will read my blog...
BABY I LOVE YOU~
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠6:28 PM
Friday, September 11, 2009 ❤
11th of Sept... I missing Baby badly right now.. Today being good stay at home all along.. And not feeling too well either.. Cough and flu but is much better than yesterday... Yesterday really heavy flu till cannot take it...
Really hope that can recover faster so I able to find job again... Cash is really running LOW... How I wish I can just grab the cash from some magic bag.. Hahaz... So I no need to work...
Sunday meeting Baby... Hoping Sunday can faster come so I can meet him and hug him again... Baby really concern me a lot and I feel so being LOVED.. Wee~ In my life, I dun think there is a guy that really care for me like this before... Baby also limited me in some food when I am unwell in these period... Hahaz.. Nagged at me somemore and made me kept on calling him "UNCLE"... Nobody can call him "UNCLE", only me can...
Tomorrow is another boring day of staying at home again... Getting sick and tired of staying at home... I wish I can go out to just to have a walk or other... I hate to being at home.. No different of being in a prison too... Hate it...
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠8:54 PM
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To My DEAREST BABY,
HAPPY 2ND MONTH ANNIVERSARY!!
I LOVE YOU FOREVER & EVER~
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠12:18 AM
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10th of Sept... Another few more minutes to ours Happy 2nd Month Anniversary.. Wee~~ Looking forward.. These 2 months really feel so much fortune that have Baby by my side and we did not quarrel at all in any little small things.. Wee~ That was great!!
Today really had a great day... I quit my job because it is too tiring as I need to wake up damn early to rush to work and cause me not feeling well in these 2 days.. I was down with heavy flu and cough... Thank to that "lovely" job.. Hahaz...
Today Baby took half day off just to accompany me... Felt so touched.. So went to Causeway Point at about 1 plus to meet Baby after his work, then went to Causeway Point to have lunch... After that, went to watch the Final D4 with Baby... Lolz... To me, I suppose that this movie might damn bloody and cruel... But it is not at all.. The killing part is like just too fast like flashing then disappear... Dun really get the picture...
But great is that those computer effects are quite good... But there can be improvement more in future... Keep it up... Wahahaz...
After the movie.., Baby accompanied me to see the doctor because my sickness get worse... The doctor asked me too much of questions... Still said that if never recover after taking those medinice must come back because maybe suspect is H1N1... Sound so serious...
After that, went to have dinner with Baby... Then back to watch G Force movie... The cinema was full of kids.. Lolz... Those are Primary school kids... Wonder why parents so free to bring their kids to movie and it is not holiday yet... Do they keep school for this movie?? Hahaz..
Overall, G Force is damn funny... Ya there is the guy who acted the HANGOVER movie... He is back to normal.. Seem so not use to it.. Hahaz... Love the storyline...
After movie, shopped a little and bought 3 breads from BreadTalk as I felt so hungry... Damn strange I easily feel so hungry in the night... Baby then sent me back home... Together we took bus no.187 then 334... So that dun wan Baby to walk so much... I know that Baby not use and dun wan Baby to be tired...
Sunday meeting up with Baby again... Looking forward.. We will be watching the "BLOOD TIES"... The movie I wan to watch so badly... More movies coming soon that I wish to watch... WAH!! I changing my style.. English movies I interested to watch too... That the different part of me now...
I had taken all the medinice and I felt so much better... And I now a little flu and not much coughing... Guess tomorrow I might recover already... Hahaz... Sickness always can't stay in my body too LONG... Hahaz... I never get sick for more than a year... See how strong is my body~~
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠12:15 AM
Tuesday, September 08, 2009 ❤
Having gastric pain whole day because not having breakfast in the morning and rushed to work... Somemore I late for work a few minutes but in the end, I rushed up and found that no one is in the office yet... Damn... Made me waited for 15 minutes like that then people came and brought me to another small office...
Work was really busy.. No time to take out my handphone to sms for a while and also I busy till forget to go toilet for a while..
Omg.. I having a normal flu right now and my sore throat really disturbing... Keep on having a pain there... Drink more water also no cure at all... Damn... Baby sure will scold me..
Tomorrow will be another LONG LONG tiring day... Morning to evening I having work again and in the evening after work, I have to rush to Somerset for my night class... Might be tiring but I must really bear with it... Haiz.. Baby I need you by my side to take care of me... SAD!!
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠11:47 PM
Monday, September 07, 2009 ❤
7th of Sept.. I am back to blog... Today is Monday.. Really nothing much to be do at home and I am really bored to the max... Today is the last day that I am very free at home.. Starting from tomorrow, I am going to work... Working as Admin assistant under a small construction company at the flat... And it is a data entry job and answering of calls and helping to rush projects too... Quite looking forward...
Yesterday really had a fun and naughty day with Baby... Hahaz.. Not telling in detail what really happen yesterday.. Just the 2 of us, BABY and me, know... Morning met Baby at Jurong East station and took train to Chinatown and to Hotel 81 to check whether there is room... So booked the room and off we went to nearby to have our lunch...
After the lunch, we took bus no.143 to Orchard to shop for a little while... At 1.30pm, we took train back to Chinatown for our room... Booked in and got the room no.309... Very near to the EXIT staircase... Next Baby helped me to reformat my laptop... My laptop seem so damn old like that... Hahaz...
While as for me, I using the DVD player in the room to play the random video songs that is left in my laptop driver.. Quite disappointed that I did not even know that there is a DVD player in the room and if I know it, I will bring more VCDs to watch and to kill the BOREDNESS...
About 5 plus, then finish formatting my laptop... It really took quite a long time... And after that, I installed some programs into my laptop from my harddrive...
At about 6 plus, we went down to the MacDonald to buy our dinner up to the room... As usual, Baby look like a BIG Baby.. Hahaz... Everything on the bed was in the mess... After 30min, I had a bottle of alcohol... Did not really finish the whole bottle due to the taste, I not really use to it.. Baby had some slips to the alcohol too...
At about 9 plus, we booked out the room and Baby sent me home... Really felt a little sad and missed because Baby leaving me again... Dunno when is the next time we are meeting again... Anyway, 4 more days to our 2nd month anniversary.. Really looking forward to it.. And we are going to celebrate it as a simple date on this coming Saturday... Because on the 11th which is Friday, both of us are working and Baby will be tired after work too...
Baby work in this period is really heavy and one person need to do so many things without no one helping him.. And Baby keep on complaining to me and I really wish to help too but I can't because no outsider can enter the office... I feel so useless that I cannot do anything to it... Haiz... See Baby like that feel so heart pain.. Hope Baby dun get sick due to the heaviness of work and rushing of work too.. I LOVE YOU~
Photos that we took yesterday~
Our Room~
Hahaz.. That my BABY~ FOREVER MINE~
Sweetness.. Baby kiss!!
Toilet lighing forever the BEST.. Hahaz..
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠3:45 PM
Saturday, September 05, 2009 ❤
FUCK OFF!! t(-.-)t
I dun wan to be a MUMMY GIRL~!!!!
CHEE BYE~~
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠1:23 PM
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5th of Sept.. Is already September and I did not really notice it... Next week I going back to school.. O.o... Going to start new paper of the topic in account... Sianz..
This period when the day I keep on stay at home, I feel that I become a prisoner.. My mother changed a lot too.. I just dun understand... Last time she never treat me like that.. I really hate the way now she treating me... DAMN..
I need some freedom.. I wish to make my own decision too... But I dun think I have the chance... Now everytime I go out, I cannot go out till 10pm which my mother consider that time is LATE.. But to me is not at all... And everytime I never reach home before 10pm, my handphone will be call by her everytime without FAIL...
I no longer a secondary school kid... I have a few months to my adult year... If she still continue like that, I think I will never show good face, I will just scold her back...
People can go out with their partners easily but I can't.. Even I go out, she also must ask where I go and I will try to avoid her question by talking another topic to her... She seem look down on Malaysian too.. Keep telling me what bad points of a Malaysian.. And I dun really like it at all... Because this make me feel something not good from her..
And is my own choice of spending my own life with someone I love... Do my mother will spend all her forever life with me?? She also has her love one and she can't be selfish... I hate to being alone too.. I also need a LOVE...
The more she control me the more I feel so CRAZY... I hate to being at home too... Even now I just playing a online mahjong game is also a PROBLEM... My mother dun really allow me to play that... Then what can I really do at home without all these entertainment... I really dunno who am I...
ANYONE PLEASE HELP ME~!!
☠❤Dead Jas❤☠1:21 PM
